


Handful of Dust

by unbidden_truth



Category: Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Reverse Big Bang Challenge, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-27
Updated: 2012-06-27
Packaged: 2017-11-08 15:57:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/444901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unbidden_truth/pseuds/unbidden_truth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Captain Chris Pike is sent to Tarsus IV, he never imagined to find such devastation but he also never expected his life to change when he meets a young boy named Jim Kirk. </p>
            </blockquote>





	Handful of Dust

**Author's Note:**

> This is the story that goes with Ewientje's lovely art for [Reverse Star Trek Bang 2012](http://trekreversebang.livejournal.com). Check out the art on her [LJ](http://ewientje.livejournal.com/13400.html). Also a quick shout out to my beta, nancylea57 who did a great job editing for me last minute.  All mistakes are mine. 

 

It's one thing to read about mass graves in the required historical texts about Earth's past history at the academy.  It's another to witness it yourself when you're a young Starfleet captain still full of optimism and faith in the Federation and being part of the “humanitarian armada” for peace.  Not exactly what he signed up for when he joined Starfleet, Chris Pike mused to himself rather grimly as he surveyed the mass grave site in front of him.  The air still had the acrid tang of burnt flesh, the metallic taste of dried blood. 

When they had first beamed down to the colony, Chris had been surprised to see fields burned to the ground, leaving only charred grass behind.  Later, he had found out the colonists had burned the fields to prevent the fungus from spreading to the crops, but in the end even that had failed.  As far as he could see, in what should have been fields of quadrotriticale and mirai hybrid corn, were dying crops and abandoned houses. 

 _I’ll show you fear in a handful of dust_ 1, a line from an old Terran poem raises, unspoken against his lips. _A forsaken wasteland,_ he thinks.   It’s strange how a centuries old poem was such an apt description for all the destruction around him.

Hearing retching sounds, he turns noticing a young ensign vomiting into the nearby bushes.  But before he could turn to see whether the ensign was alright, his first officer walks over, clearly distressed.  Her blue eyes are darkened in anger and there was something stiff about her usual stride.

“There's a grave of young children over there,” Number One states, her usual dispassionate voice tinged with anger.

“Damn it,” Chris mutters, his hands clenching wanting to hit something or someone, particularly some of the higher ups at HQ. “They should've sent us earlier.  If we had been even a week early, we could've stopped the genocide.  Or if Federation had sent Starfleet to keep an eye until the colony was self-sufficient, all of this could have been avoided.  And how the hell did they not realize they had placed a psychopath as governor?!”

“They don't do psych evaluations for colony governors,” Number One replies as she surveys the grave site next to him. He can see his officers scurrying about in flashes of red, blue and gold from his periphery.

“How much longer until the _Magellan_ and the _Zheng He_ gets here?”

“They both should get here within the next six hours. And a Vulcan _Constellation_ -class ship, _T’Lena_ will also be arriving within that same time period Captain.”

“Thank the universe for small mercies,” he murmurs. The Federation still hasn't decided what they wanted to do with the colony, but Chris had been ready to leave within minutes of transporting to the planet.

His eyes drifts over the site again before turning sharply to look at his first officer, “Did they find Kodos?”

Number One tilts her head towards him frowning, “They're still looking.  He fled with some of his officers when they sighted the _Yorktown_ in orbit over the colony.”

“He can’t escape Number One.  He has to face Federation justice for his crimes,” Chris says his voice low as he motions her to follow him, “And we'll find him even if we have to chase him across the galaxy.”

 

::::

 

Several hours later, they finally locate Kodos and three of his advisors at an empty warehouse in the outskirts of the main colony settlements.  But when they get there, the building has been burned to the ground, not leaving much behind.  The six security officers that followed Chris and Number One closely to the building fall back half a step when they note the look of irritation on their captain’s face.  Number One gestures them to search for the bodies as Chris mutters loudly, “Of course he’s dead.  What am I going to tell the headquarters?  Or the Federation Crime Tribunal?”

When they do finally find the bodies, they are burned beyond recognition and Chris isn’t sure whether he should be happy that Kodos has gotten his karmic retribution or whether to be upset that he won’t face Federation justice.  And another part, a small part of him is suspicious about the fire.  The DNA samples are beamed up to the ship and uneasy, the rest of the crew continues the search waiting to know if it really was Kodos in that fire.  He knows that none of the crew is particularly happy with Kodos’ death because after seeing what he had done to the colony, it still feels as if he managed to somehow escape justice.

Within the hour, his comm-link beeps. 

“It’s Kodos sir.  There is a DNA match,” Lt. Styson says through the communicator, her voice wavering between being vindictive and disappointed, much like how rest of the crew was feeling if Chris were to guess, “Dr. Boyce did three runs to make sure of the verification sir."

There is a wave of relief to know that Kodos is gone, but somehow it seemed too easy, a little too convenient.  But he pushes aside his suspicions, because what else can he say in the face proof.   “Beam up the bodies so that Starfleet HQ can do further analysis and backup our confirmation,” he says instead.

Turning to Number One, feeling completely exhausted, “Get someone to send the message to Starfleet.”

She squeezes his arm in comfort before she turns away to talk on her communicator and discuss the logistics with the other two ships that are in orbit over the planet. 

He lingers for a moment before being called to figure out how they are taking the refugees back to Earth and to deal with the tension between the two camps on the colony, the one Kodos saved and the one he condemned.  Chris allows himself for a few minutes to let the anger flow at Kodos, at the genocide, at Starfleet’s ineptness, and…at himself for not wanting to deal with the mess because he’s too young and too scared to have the weight of more than a few hundred people’s lives on his shoulders. 

 

::::

 

He’s staring up at the sky littered with stars, the wisps of the Milky Way stretching across in an eerie glow, when finally Number One finds him lost in thought.

“Captain, the settlers who need medical attention all have been taken care of and evacuation for all who are willing starts tomorrow morning with the _Magellan_ willing to take a hundred passengers back to the Sol System.”

Chris gives her nod and then gestures to the night sky, “It’s strange to think about how universe is both terrifying and beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Perhaps,” she says, “but yet you can find hope in devastation and pain in beauty.”

“Right as always,” Chris muses, “There is no easy answer is there?  Something I should already know.” Running his hand restlessly through his hair, he sighs.  But before he could say anything further, his stomach rumbles.

His first officer gives him a look.

“Captain, have you eaten?” she asks with a hint of steel in her voice, “You skipped both lunch and breakfast today.”

“I didn’t have any time,” Chris starts but finds himself being firmly dragged by her to the building that is acting as a mess hall for the crew and the population.

After eating dinner, under the watchful eye of his first officer, who could be particularly stubborn when she wants to be, he stops by to check on Philip. His CMO had been trying to coordinate the medical intervention needed for many of the colonists, most malnourished under the starving conditions.  The good doctor, had been quick to make sure that the food regimes were exactly to protocol, muttering, “There will be no Pegasus Gamma disaster in my ward,” as he yelled out orders when they had first arrived on the colony

Chris has to turn to Number One to figure out what the doctor was talking about, and when he learns of how the several hundreds of starving colonists on Pegasus Gamma had died because the cargo ship that came to bring food hadn’t known that in those conditions, heavy food could kill, he understands. 

When he sees Philip gesturing at him, his lips pressed downwards into a frown, Chris knows it’s going to be something he won’t like.

“What is it Doctor?” Chris asks softly not wanting to disturb the patients resting in the make-shift hospital.  Philip was standing next to a bed where a young blond boy lay sleeping.  Skinny limbs and hollow face indicated that the boy had faced starvation down on the colony and Chris felt the anger that had been simmering since he had landed on Tarsus rise momentarily before he is able to control it.

“This is Jim Kirk.”

Chris looks up at Philip startled, and then back down, “You’re kidding me.  What’s he doing on Tarsus?”

“He was living with his aunt and her family.”

Chris looks back down at the boy in sympathy. 

“Chris, he doesn’t know.  And there’s no one left to tell him.”

“Wait, you mean to tell me he doesn’t know his mother is dead?” dread filling him, referring to the notice Starfleet had sent out a week ago about Winona Kirk’s death due to an attack by the Klingons near the Neutral Zone.

“How could he have?  He has been on the run for the past two weeks.  The colony itself didn’t have access to news outside for at least a month.  And the rest of his family perished on Tarsus,” Philip continued, “Someone needs to tell him.  Not tonight or maybe not the next few days but soon.”

The doctor waits for him to say something.  But Chris isn’t sure what to say. 

“I guess you are right, it would be best if I were the one to break the news to him.”

Philip grasp his shoulder in passing as he turned to a patient who had started coughing and Chris feels irritated at all the comforting his crew has been giving in the past day.  And immediately feels guilty for feeling that way.

He observes the sleeping boy for a few seconds longer before turning to leave, feeling unsettled and sad.

 

::::

 

Three days later, the _Yorktown_ is ready to depart.  The Federation was sending several other ships with actual envoys to figure out what to do with the colony itself as well as deal with the population that was refusing to evacuate.  Everyone aboard the ship is finally glad to be leaving if the mood on the bridge was any sort of indication.  It’s the first time in days that anyone has smiled in a way that didn’t seem forced, Chris muses as Tarsus IV starts to grow smaller on the viewing screen.

When he stops by the sickbay later in the day, Jim is asleep, shifting restlessly with an IV drip attached to his arm and Chris is again reminded at how much Jim looked like his mother.  He had met Winona Kirk several times when he was writing his dissertation on the Kelvin Incident and later at Starfleet headquarters when they both had been grounded in between missions.

“Captain,” his first officer says as she comes to stand by him, her voice laced with concern.  Chris gives her a tired smile, “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?  You pulled two shifts today.”

“I should be saying the same.  You’ve hardly slept or eaten since we transported down the first day on Tarsus.”

Chris waves away her concern as he glanced back down at the boy.

“Jim Kirk,” she says, and of course Number One would know the names and faces of all the passengers on the ship.

“Is there something about the boy, sir?”

“Doctor Boyce tells me I need to tell him that his mother died.”

She places a hand on his arm, blue eyes understanding, “I could tell him about his mother if that would make it easier.”

Chris rubs his temple wearily, wishing he could let Number One do exactly that but knowing it was his responsibility.  His shoulders slumps, “It’s my duty.  I knew Winona and it’s probably best that I am the one who tells him.  I checked his records and the only relatives that might be willing to take him in is a third cousin.  Both George and Winona were the only child and Winona had divorced Jim’s stepfather before he was sent to Tarsus IV.  And according to Captain Chen, Frank and Jim did not get along which was the main reason why Winona divorced him and Jim was sent to Tarsus IV.”

“Doctor Boyce had mentioned a brother?”

“He ran away from home when he was fourteen.  I guess a couple of years before Jim was sent to Tarsus.  And he’s been off the grid for years.  We haven’t been able to contact him.”

“I could see if I could find out where he is, Captain.”

“Even if you did, Sam Kirk is only sixteen and can’t be appointed as Jim’s guardian.”

“I’m not sure what else I can do,” he admits reluctantly a moment later.

“Chris, you’ll find a way.  You always do.”  A fond smile lit Chris’s face, but then again it always did whenever Number One calls him by his name.

He wants to say that she has too much faith in him.  That he really doesn’t know what he’s doing half the time, but instead he says, “Thank you."

 

::::

 

It takes Chris another day before he manages to catch Jim awake.  Blue eyes peer up at him warily when he enters the private room where Jim’s been staying.

“Do you know who I am?”

“You’re the captain of the starship,” Jim says, and then adds, “My dad was a captain.”

Chris sharply exhales, “Yeah, your dad was a great captain.”

“You knew my dad?”  The blue eyes widen with curiosity, wanting to know more.

“I met him a few times when I was at the Academy.  He was a good guy and an amazing navigator, which is why Captain Robau chose him to be on the Kelvin as his first officer.”

“My dad died when the Kelvin was attacked,” Jim says, and Chris feels a wave of empathy for Jim.  And he’s not sure how to break the news.  How do you tell a child that his mother has died? 

“Jim, I have some bad news to tell you,” Chris says slowly.

“Is it something about Tarsus?” Jim asks, “Because I already know it’s all bad news.”

“I’m not sure how to tell you, but your Mom died a week ago during an attack,” he says keeping his voice gentle as he can, “there was too much blood loss and they weren’t able to save her.”

The boy doesn’t say anything, and Chris looks concernedly at him.

“Jim--”

“You’re lying,” Jim says flatly, his eyes angry, “you’re lying.  Mom was fine when I talked to her a month ago.”

“Jim,” Chris tries somewhat helplessly, but Jim cuts him off, “No, no, you’re lying!  She’s not dead!”

“Jim.”

“Shut up!  I don’t want to hear it.  Get out!  Get out!”

Chris tries, but Jim is yelling angry, his face flushing red.

And he realizes that Jim needs some space so he moves away from the bed, but not before saying, “I know it’s a shock Jim.  But I’m here if you need me.  And so is Doctor Boyce."

He shuts the door to the litany of, “he’s lying, he’s lying. Mom can’t be dead.  She’s not.”  And soon enough, while leaning against the door, he hears Jim breaking down, the sobs and the palpable grief loud enough for him to hear.   And Chris can only listen, standing guard until Jim falls asleep.

 

::::

 

He watches for a moment as Jim stared listlessly out the observation deck.  The young boy’s shoulders were slumped as if he is holding back the weight of the world.  And maybe he was, because from what Chris knew, the boy was the main reasons eight other kids are alive.  He wasn’t sure he, himself, could’ve survived Tarsus at the age of thirteen much less help eight other kids survive.  It had been over a week since he had told Jim his mother had died and within a few days they would be within the Sol system.  Boyce had dragged Chris aside from all the logistics of leaving the colony and getting back to Earth and told him, that Jim wasn’t eating much and that Chris needed to do something.  But Chris didn’t know what he could do. 

“Hey,” he says as he approaches the boy carefully.

“I’m not going to break you know,” Jim says eyes still on the viewing screen.

“I never said that.”

“Everyone’s thinking that.  I can see it on their faces. ‘Oh that poor boy! How sad that his mother died and all,’” Frustration and exasperation evident in the boy’s voice.

And that makes Chris laugh, and Jim glances at him frowning, “What’s so funny.”

“You. Philip was right when he said you were pretty resilient.”

“What does that mean? Resilient?” 

“Means that you don’t let things keep you down,” Chris replies as he steps next to Jim to watch the blurring stars speed by.

“Captain, look I’m sorry that I yelled at you last time.  It’s just that Mom,” Jim voice wavers for a moment and Chris watches as Jim clenches his hands into fists before he barrels on, “I was upset and I meant no disrespect sir.”

“None taken.  It was a shock and I understand.  And you can call me Chris.”

Jim grins at him before it falters, “Do you know what’s going to happen to me?  No one knows where Sam is, and Dr. Boyce said that even if they found him, I can’t stay with him because he’s too young.”

“I’m not sure son. We’re trying to figure that out as well.”

“I can’t-" Jim says, his body tense, as if ready for flight, “I won’t go back to Frank’s.  If you send me there, I’ll run away.  I don’t care.”

Resting a hand on Jim’s shoulder, he turns the boy so he can see Jim’s face, “No one is going to send you anywhere that you don’t want to go.  Okay?”

Jim gives a sharp nod and relaxes a little.

“Come on let’s grab some food.  Doctor Boyce has explicitly told me that I am supposed to make sure you’ve eaten a full meal.”

“Fine, I’ll eat.  Doctor Boyce is pretty scary when he’s angry.”

“Yeah, he is.  Trust me, you don’t want to get on his bad side,” Chris replies as he moves toward the doorway, glancing back to see that Jim hasn’t moved yet.

“Jim?”

“Cap--Chris, will it always hurt?” And Chris thinks of Brian’s death on Cygnus V after a run-in with a Romulan bird of prey.  Even after five years, the death of his best friend still fills him with grief, but it’s not as overwhelming as it used to be.  And Chris wishes he could do something to ease the boy’s pain.  There was something about Jim that makes Chris care, makes him feel paternal and makes him worry.  He isn’t sure why, but he wants to help.

“Yeah, but it won’t hurt as much,” he says, because it really was the truth, before gesturing Jim to follow him to the mess hall.  And with one last look back at the screen, Jim follows.

::::

 

Chris worries about the boy, and so he makes time in between everything else to see how Jim is doing.  Philip is amused and Number One understands, and Chris finds himself perplexed.  He isn’t sure why he worries constantly about the boy, only that when the third cousin refuses to take him in and that Starfleet was most likely going to put him in foster care, he snaps.

“How can his own family refuse him,” he half-shouts in a conference room as Philip, Number One, his communications officer, Lt. D’Lena, and his chief Engineer, Lt. Cmdr. Plexa, all sitting watch him move angrily around the room.

“Chris,” Philip starts trying to placate him.

“No.  It’s wrong.”

“I agree that it’s wrong.  But Chris this happens all the time.  And you’re judgment is being clouded by your growing attachment to the boy.”

Chris slumps down onto a chair, “I know.  I’m sorry.”

“Sir,” his Denobulan Chief Engineer says, “Is there not a way that someone could adopt the boy outside the foster system.”

Chris blinks at Lt. Cmdr. Plexa.  “That could work.  But who would be willing---" and Chris stops as an idea pops into his head.  But it’s crazy.  He must be out of his mind. _But it would work and really there is no better person for it._   And a strange calm over takes him, because he knows he’s making the right decision.  That it had been on the back of his mind all along for the past week.

Even before he says anything, Number One is already saying, “Captain-“ and Philip is not far behind with a warning, “Chris-”

The rest of the crew looks on confused.

“That sounds like a good idea, Plexa, thank you.  You all are dismissed.”

Number One and Philip stay put.  Not that Chris is really surprised.

“Chris,” the doctor says frowning at him, “before you make any decision, I want you to think it through for the next 48 hours, before you do anything.”

Chris frowns, “I know what I’m doing.”

“We know, but it’s better to be sure.  You’re going to be giving up a lot.  And you would be taking on a lot of new responsibilities.  So think about this carefully before you make up your mind.”

The doctor leaves and Chris watches Number One, “You think this is a bad idea, don’t you?”

She tilts her head, her bangs falling into her eyes which she pushes aside absently, and considers him, “How long have we known each other, Captain?”

“17 years, you know that.  You know me better than most people,” Chris replies, puzzled.

“Probably better than you know yourself,” she says teasingly before turning serious, “I trust you Chris sometimes more than I trust myself and I trust any decision you make.”

“Angela-”

“Don’t worry so much.  Just think about what feels right to you.  Trust yourself to make the right decision.  I do."

 

::::

 

Two days later, Chris is sitting on the bridge being handed PADDs to sign by Yeoman Gleeson, and finds the paperwork for adoption drawn up for him to sign.  He glances at it and sees Number One watching and gives her a look and she gives him an encouraging smile before turning back to her station.

“Lt. D’Lena, if you could contact Starfleet HQ and see if you can get Admiral Archer and patch it through my ready room?”

“Yes, sir.”

When the admiral finally shows up on his viewing screen, he doesn’t look happy.

“Is this true?  You want to adopt Jim Kirk and plan on being grounded?”  Archer asks flabbergasted.

“Yes, sir.  I have thought about this decision carefully and I would like to adopt Jim.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yes, sir.  I have all the necessary paperwork that needs to be taken care of,” he says looking down at his PADD. 

When the Admiral doesn’t say anything, Chris glances back up from his PADD and sees Archer frowning up at him.

“What is it, Admiral?”

“Chris, are you sure about this?” Archer asks, “Starfleet can make sure Jim Kirk is provided for and place him where he’s safe.”

“Admiral, he has no one and it’s just wrong to have a kid who has lost everything to be placed in the foster system.  And you would lucky to find someone cares about him rather than his family’s status.  You know whoever takes him in is probably going to milk the whole George Kirk being a tragic hero.  I can’t sir.  I can’t watch that happen.”

Archer exhales loudly, “We don’t want to lose one of our best starship captains either, Chris.”

“And you’re not, sir.  I’ll teach at the Academy, until Jim is old enough to figure out what he wants.  And then, well if Starfleet needs me back in space, I’ll be ready.”

“We already need you in space now.”

“Sir, it will only be for three to four years.  And the first year, I would have been grounded anyways, waiting for the _Yorktown_ to be refitted.”

“Your mind is made up?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Fine, I’ll give my approval.  But I expect you to be back up in four years max, Chris.  We need your experience up here.”

“Yes, but you also need my experience to teach future cadets too sir.  There are not enough professors in the academy who have real experience that are teaching.”

Archer let out another sigh, rubbing his jaw, “You’re right, of course.  Okay, we’ll do this.”

“You won’t regret this, sir.”

“That’s what they all say.  After reporting to HQ for the Tarsus debrief, make sure you check in with the Family and Children Liaison Office.”

“Yes, Admiral.”

Archer looks at Chris for a moment, “You’re a better man than most, Christopher Pike.  I’ll see you back at HQ.”

Chris is surprised, and is a bit flustered, but hastens to say, “Thank you, Admiral,” before the screen goes blank.

 

::::

 

He’s not sure how to ask Jim whether he would be okay living with him. The paperwork and getting official permission looks easy in comparison. He’s not even sure whether Jim wants to be adopted or not or that he would even accept.  And he’s not sure what he would do if Jim refuses.  Somehow he manages to get Philip to test out the water and ask Jim about his thoughts while Chris is busy on the bridge, asking whether he would be okay living with Captain Pike when they return to Earth.

Later, when he goes to find Philip, he finds him in his office, relaxing for once, a glass of brandy in his hands.

“Saurian brandy,” he says pouring Chris a glass, “Doctor’s orders.”

“Thanks Phil,” Chris says sitting down across from him, as he waits for the doctor to tell him what Jim said.

“I, like many, think you are crazy for doing this.  You’ve got a great career ahead of you Chris and let me say everyone is going to think you are crazy that you’re choosing to stay grounded when you could be up here,” the doctor says, but then smiles, “But that’s the reason why I choose to work under you.  And I do think that maybe this might be a good decision.”

“What did Jim say?”

The doctor looks amused to hear the exasperation in Chris’s voice.  “You know for a man who didn’t think he was ever going to marry and have kids, you seem pretty vested in the kid.”

“Philip.”

“Fine, fine, I think the boy is cautiously intrigued.  And you’re going to need to ask him yourself to see whether he agrees to it or not.  But I think he will.  He likes you well enough for the short amount of time he’s been on the _Yorktown_.”

Chris murmurs, slumping in his chair, “What am I doing Phil?  I don’t know how to raise a kid.  Outside of seeing my nephews during shore leave, I’m never around kids.  I don’t know if I’ll be a good parent.”

Philip looks at him as if he was expecting Chris to react this way, and muses, “Marcy and I didn’t know what we were getting into when we had the boys either.  And they turned out fine.  You’ll be fine Chris, and you’ll be at the Academy, so you’ll have plenty of help.”

“Right, from old crotchety admirals?  I highly doubt that. I don’t think they even know what children are.”

“You’ll be fine.  Being parent is something you learn on the go, it’s not something you can really prepare for.  And it’ll be different with Jim because of the trauma he’s faced on Tarsus.”

And before Chris could ask, the doctor said in placating tone, “All the victims of Tarsus have to undergo psych evaluations for their own safety.  And Jim’s been assigned a therapist while on the _Yorktown_ and if necessary back when we get back to Earth.  But he’s surprising resilient, according to the reports I’ve been reading.”

Philip pauses and then says, “He’s having pretty bad nightmares though.  It’s not problematic right now since he’s been giving a sleeping aid, but once he’s off the meds, they’ll most likely be back.”

Chris frowns, “Is there anything we can do?”

“Time and reminding him that he’s not alone.”

“Right, well I guess I’ll start on the second part now and see how he feels about living with me.”

 

::::

 

He finds Jim down in Engineering watching Plexa fixing the backup warp core drive.  Plexa and Jim are both covered in grease, and Chris listens as Jim laughs to something the Lt. Cmdr. says.  _This is how it should be,_ Chris thinks as he listened to the chatter.  Not the grief-stricken, trying hard to be strong Jim, but one who laughs freely as a thirteen year old should be doing.

“I hope not interrupting,” Chris says as he peers over the console to look down at the two of them.

“Captain,” Plexa says sheepishly as she and Jim sit up.  And Chris realizes that they are both covered in more grease and dust than he originally thought.

“It’s all alright Lt. Cmdr.,” Chris says, rather amused.

Glancing at Jim, “Well I was going to ask if I could talk to you, but maybe you might want to clean up a bit Jim.”

Jim looks reluctant to leave, and Plexa notices and with a knowing smile says, “You can help me again tomorrow.”

Which causes Jim to flash her grin before dragging Chris along, and then yelling back, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Steady on there, son.  Where’s the fire?”

Jim looks hesitantly as Chris, “You wanted to talk to me right?  About what Doctor Boyce told me this morning?”

“Yeah, I do,” Chris says as they slow down near the room Jim’s currently staying in, “Get cleaned up and then we can talk.”

And so he ponders on what he’ll need to buy once they get back to Earth and they probably will need to ship out stuff from Jim’s house in Riverside, Iowa while he waits.  According to the paperwork, the Kirk property is supposed to be split between the two brothers as is Winona and George Kirk’s pensions.  Chris supposes he should look into seeing if he could put the money aside as a trust for Jim to use once he figures out what he wants to do.

“Chris?” Jim asks uncertainly as comes back in the room, face and arms scrubbed clean.

“Hey Jim, have a seat,” Chris motions him to sit down.

“Are you going to ask me to live with you?” Jim asks.

And Chris hides his grin, “Yes, that’s why I wanted to talk to you.”

“I think that would be okay.”

Chris looks at Jim closely, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.  There’s no pressure.”

Jim looks down, “If I didn’t, where else would I go?”  And Chris feels his earlier anger towards everyone who has failed Jim.

“That’s not true,” Chris says slowly.

Fierce blue eyes look up at him, “Yeah it is, no one wants me as their kid.”

“I do,” and words fall out before Chris can stop them, but it’s the truth.

Jim says nothing at first, “You’re only doing this because you feel bad.”

“That’s not true.  I’ll like you, you’re a good kid and deserve better,” Chris insists not sure what he can say to make it right.

“Besides,” Chris continues watching the slumped figure on the bed, “you’ll be going to school near the Academy so you can meet people from all over.  And we can go to the beach on the weekends and maybe if you’re good, we can go up to my family ranch in Montana and you can learn to ride the horses.”

There’s still uncertainty in Jim’s eyes, but that’s belayed by the eagerness in his voice, “You have horses?”

“Yeah and cows and chickens…the whole deal.  And there’s good skiing and maybe we can do that.  So what do you think?”

 “You’re not going to be a starship captain anymore?” Jim asks instead and Chris is again surprised by Jim’s astuteness.  _The kid is smarter than his age,_ he muses, _and I need to remember that._

“Yeah, but that’s only temporary.  I got a good offer to teach at the Starfleet Academy, which is something I’ve wanted to do,” he replies as he gauges Jim’s reaction.

“Okay,” Jim stammers out, “but you can’t take it back.”

Chris gives him a grin, “I wouldn’t be much of parent if I did.”

 

::::

 

Getting from the shuttle dock and then checking in and debriefing with Starfleet Headquarters ends up being exhausting with Jim in tow, but Number One is constantly by his side and Philip checks up on him occasionally to make sure he’s getting enough sleep and that Jim is gaining back weight.  They’re given housing near headquarters while Chris is being debriefed and Jim is given final psych evaluations as well as his own debriefing.  And somehow things fall into a steady routine.

And that's when the nightmares start. The first night, he finds Jim whimpering, thrashing in bed, he freaks out at first thinking that Jim’s having some sort of seizure.  It takes him close to another five minutes to wake Jim up and he ends up getting a sharp elbow to the eye.   Jim doesn’t want to talk about it and asks Chris to leave him alone.  And while he does leave Jim alone, he isn’t able to go back to sleep and ends up doing paperwork rest of the night keeping a worried eye on Jim’s door.  The next morning Jim looks guiltily up from his breakfast when he sees the purpling bruise near Chris’s right eye.

“It’s okay.  It was nightmare, I understand.”

The nightmares continue, and Jim refuses any help.  When he tells Philip, the doctor only sighs, and says, that Jim has to deal with the nightmares because the sleeping aid can only work for the short term.

Finally, on the second week, Chris refuses to leave Jim alone because he can’t keep watching and not do anything.

“You don’t understand.  You weren’t there,” Jim screams at him, “You don’t know what we had to do.”

“Jim.”

“No, you don’t know what he did.  And my aunt, she tried to save us and then there wasn’t enough food and Jenny died!  And I couldn’t even do anything!”

And even though Jim tries to resist and swings a punch or two, Chris pulls him into a hug, “I know.  I know it was bad.  But you’re not alone Jim.  I’m here and so are Doctor Boyce and Number One.  We’re all here.”

And Jim finally breaks down sobbing, and Chris holds him until he falls asleep.

And slowly, Jim opens up about what happened on Tarsus and with Kodos. The crops failing and the rations. About the death march and the people who were sprayed by poisonous gas.  And how Kodos had said that they had to be sacrificed.  And watching the guards beat people, sometimes dragging someone away to rape and torture for fun.  About starving, and trying to find food and getting sick off eating grass.  About some of the kids dying and not being able to do anything.  But it was mostly the hunger and the fear of getting caught that followed Jim like a shadow. And Chris knew that from the way Jim ate his food and how he seemed to hoard it.  And the way he would scan the room looking for trouble before relaxing.  And he wishes he could something, but the only thing he could do was being there and let time do its work.

It’s hard on Jim and Chris both.  Sometimes Jim pulls back and gets angry, refusing to talk to Chris.  Sometimes he falls apart and all Chris can do is watch and hold him.  If it weren’t for Number One or Philip, and the constant calls from his parents, he wasn’t sure what he would have done otherwise. 

But things were getting better and the hollow look in Jim’s eyes is starting to fade.

Two months later, they finally are able to shift over to his townhouse nearby.  And Chris takes Jim to Riverside to his old house to see if there’s anything he wants to bring back.  Jim doesn’t take much, just a duffle bag, and the rest is put in storage before the house is closed down.  Number One comes with them, a steady, calming presence when tempers fray.

And soon enough, once Jim is enrolled in a nearby high school affiliated with Starfleet, Chris starts his teaching job and things fall into an easy routine. 

Number One is there most evenings when she’s not working late (she’s doing research in one of the botany labs).  And Philip stops by dragging his wife with him or sometimes they'll meet up at their usual bar for drinks and Starfleet gossip.  They are both teaching introductory classes to the first year cadets, Chris with Federation history and politics and Philip with xenobiology.  And whereas Chris is merely grounded for the next few years, the doctor has decided that he is done with deep space missions.  “It’s getting hard to move around,” he confides one night to Chris, “And Marcy has been on my case about missing out on seeing my grandchildren grow.”

Things are still tense with Jim but they are getting better.

 

::::

 

One weekend when Chris is working on fixing the replicator, Jim trudges in for water, pausing to watch Chris work.

Chris looks up from dissembling the wires of the replicator, “Hey Jim,” as Jim surveys the mess Chris was making.

“Do you need help?” the boy asks, hope evident in his voice.

“Yeah sure,” Chris says shifting over sounding a bit frazzled, “Let me show you how to figure out which one needs to be replaced.”

But Jim moves with deft hands over the circuit board, easily shifting through the wires.

“I see you have some experience,” Chris murmurs amazed at how adeptly Jim's hands move and how quickly he figures it out.

“My mom would let me help her whenever she was home,” Jim says a bit offhandedly, shifting to replace the old wiring with the new.

"Sometimes she would let me help her work on my dad's old car.  And she taught me a little about building a bike, but she never," the hands still, wavering and Chris can see the struggle on Jim's face, "Well, I guess I'll have to figure out the rest on my own."

"Yeah, she was good at building things.  I think that's how your parents met, in an engineering class if what I remember she told me is right."

The quick hands pause again, “Did you know her?”

“Yeah, she was a very good engineer, one of the best in the fleet.”

Chris considers Jim, who's looking down at the circuit board but clearly is listening to Chris.  And so he starts, “I met your mother when I was just a cadet..."

That seems to break the ice and more often than not, Jim starts to help him whenever he’s working around the house.   And then he starts to bring his homework to the living room where Chris does his work and sits quietly doing his work.  Sometimes he asks questions about history or politics and they fall into conversations that remind Chris of his own discussions of history and strategy with his own father.

 

::::

 

The chess matches start around the same time.  He has Nogura over for drinks one night and they had ended up continuing their chess game from the last time they had played.  It’s surprising to find Jim intrigued and the fact that he stays and watches for the next two hours, something usually rare.  Couple of days later, Jim asks if Chris could teach him the game.  And Chris is secretly happy to finally have something else to share with Jim. 

Jim’s a quick study and quickly Chris finds himself using more and more complicated strategies.  Within four months, Jim wins a match.  Much to Chris’s consternation and Jim’s delight, but it breaks further ice between the two and Jim is much more comfortable teasing Chris when he makes mistakes.

“So the head of the chess club says he thinks it might be a good idea for you to come to the sessions at the Academy, after your classes.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“You're interested?” Chris asks surprised looking at Jim but he's not really paying attention.  He's too busy analyzing the board, and mutters, “What? Yeah I guess,” as he moves his knight taking out one of Chris's rooks.

“Well I’ll talk to the head of the chess club and sees what he says,” he moves his rook to take out Jim’s bishop.

“Check,” a minute later when Jim takes out his knight.

Chris frowns at the board as if it has failed him somehow.

Jim grins at his expression, “You look like someone stole your candy.”

They had been playing for a little over eight months now and Jim is starting to beat Chris at least a third of the time with Chris being kept on his toes.  The first time Jim had beaten him, it had left him flabbergasted, but happy. 

“Just watch, it’ll soon be all the time,” Jim says smugly.

Five moves later, Chris crows out a checkmate, Jim tipping down his white king and says, “Not so fast, my young protégé.  You’ve still got loads to learn.”

Jim fake glares at him as he studies the board to see how Chris won.  And Chris grins, leaning back, allowing himself to think that maybe he’s doing okay at this parenting thing.

 

::::

 

And then Number One drops a figurative bomb.

He is just about to leave the office, when she marches in, dragging Chris with her back into his office.

He looks at her in surprised but she gestures to him to sit, her hair haphazard from restless fingers, a sign that she’s upset about something.

Chris sits confused and waits for her to say something.

A few minutes pass, as she paces around his office, almost unsteadily and as she turns to face him, her blue eyes are uncertain, vulnerable and Chris internally panics because he has never seen her vulnerable before.  There was no one steadier and calm as his first officer.

“Captain Mkebe asked me to be his first officer on the _Farragut_ ,” she blurts out, watching him warily as if waiting him for him to get angry.

He’s not, but it doesn’t stop the feeling of having the floor being swiped out from under him.  Nor the panic as he tries to think of what it would be like to be without Number One for the first time since he was a second year cadet at the Academy.  He tries to hide it but knows he hadn’t been able to when he sees Number One’s stricken face.

“No,” Chris says, “I’m not mad or upset.  Well okay, maybe a little upset.   I’ve gotten used to having you here you know, it’ll just be weird not to have you around,” Chris babbles trying to calm her, trying to calm himself.  _It’s only going to be for three years,_ Chris tells himself.

“Chris-” she tries to say, but Chris has gotten up and he walks over, grasping her shoulders.

"You are one of my closest friends and I depend on you a lot.  You know I wouldn’t be half the Captain I am without you,” Chris says, struggling to breathe, “But, but I want you to be happy too and that you can depend on me.   And if you want this, then I want this,” he pauses uncertain, “Do you want this right? What am I saying? Of course, you want this."

She looks at him, “Chris.”

“This will be good for your career.  I’ve kept you to myself for too long Angela.  And this is a great opportunity.  The _Farragut_ is one of the best ships in the fleet and Mkebe is a great captain.  And just this once I want you to think about what you want, rather than what you think what I want.  Please,” Chris says in a rush, when all he really wants to say is _Stay. Don’t leave…me.  Please don’t go._

She nods and he lets her go, his hands slipping down her arms as he takes a step back.

Number One avoids his eyes as she turns to leave, but before she does, she says softly, “Even if I’m not here physically by your side, I’m always with you, Chris.  I have always been and always will.”

When Philip finds him three hours later, he's completely drunk at their usual bar.  But Philip only sighs, before helping him back to his house, all the while muttering about idiots who don’t know when they’re in love.  But Chris is too far gone to hear.

The next morning, Chris has a pounding headache and the room spins when he sits up.  When he glances up he sees Jim waving a hypo with hangover medication.

“Doctor Boyce says that you really got the parenting thing down, if you, ‘thank god remembered to call him before you headed to the bar last night.’”

Chris frowns “I’m sorry.  That was irresponsible.”

“Not really.  You made sure someone was here, and I ended up having dinner with Dr. and Mrs. Boyce.”

“Good, that’s good,” Chris mutters as he pressed the palm of his hand against his throbbing temple.

“Here,” and Chris flinches from the sting of the hypospray and Jim murmurs a half-hearted apology.

“So Commander Chapel is really leaving?” Jim asks.

And then Chris remembers, “Yes.”  _She's leaving._ And the hypospray doesn’t seem to work because his head still hurts and for some reason his heart is aching too.

When Jim doesn’t say anything, Chris glances back up wincing and notices that he is under scrutiny.  Shifting uncomfortably, he says, “Go on and eat breakfast, I’ll be down in a minute,” before he resting his head in his hands. 

“You could tell her that you want her to stay, because I know you do."

Chris sighs rubbing his face, “If you care enough about someone then you let them go.  And if things work out, then hopefully one day they’ll return.”

Jim looks at him as if he doesn’t agree and wants to argue but thankfully leaves Chris to his thoughts.

 

::::

 

The next month flies by and Chris and Number One try to keep things light between them, but he can feel her worried eyes lingering on him when he’s not looking and that only makes him feel guilty. 

Soon enough it’s the day for the _Farragut_ to leave.  And Number One arrives on Chris’s steps with her bags at sharply six in the morning.  Chris hasn’t slept the night before, and if he were honest with himself, he has barely slept since he heard the news.  And when he studies her in the pale glow of the early morning, he sees the bruise like shadows under her eyes and the shallow pallor of her skin, all he wants is to hold and tell her everything will be okay, that he'll be okay.  Unconsciously his hand drifts up but then he catches himself before ushering her inside instead.

“You look like you could use some coffee,” he says.

She gives him a tight smile as she moves upstairs to say goodbye to Jim.  Chris shakily leans against the kitchen counter, before taking a determined intake of air and pours coffee into a thermos.  And then finds himself inexplicably walking up the stairs to tell time it’s time to go.

But when he comes upstairs, the unfolding scene makes him pause.  Chris watches them from the doorway almost hidden, Number One in her new science officer uniform and Jim still in his pajamas, as she awkwardly hugs him.  She was never good with children, but it causes his heart to clench to see her try, endearingly awkward, for both Chris’s and Jim’s sake. 

 “I know you enjoy keeping Chris on his toes, but don’t try too hard okay?  And promise me that you’ll make sure he doesn’t overwork himself too hard,” she murmurs to Jim, and Chris watched as Jim nods, a sharp movement, before pulling back. 

“Do you really have to go?” Jim asks wanting to know, “I’m going to miss you.  Captain Pike is really going to miss you too.”

“I know,” she says softly, “But you can always reach me by sending a message.”

“It’s not the same,” Jim mutters before giving her a brisk hug before leaving the room.

When they both come downstairs, Chris is waiting for them.

The drive to the shuttle dock is quiet, the low hum of the engine settles over them and Chris glances intermittently at Number One as he drives, while she slowly sips her coffee, fingers tightly wrapped around the thermos.

Most of the crew for _Farragut_ and their families and friends are already there, spilled all over the dock when they finally arrive.  He nods to several people that he recognizes as he grabs Number One’s bags.

“Chris, I can handle the bags,” she says as she watches him weave between the crowds of people. 

“I know,” he replies glancing back, his heart clenching almost painfully, “Just let me…for today.”

He hears her sigh, but she doesn’t say anything else as she follows him.

He stops abrupting fifty yards away from the shuttle causing her to nearly crash into him.  She steadies herself against him, palms pressing briefly against his back before quickly moving away.  The warmth lingers and he aches, not wanting to understand because it scares him more than anything to know the answer.   He turns toward her, placing her bags on the ground and they stare at each other not knowing how to say goodbye.

“You’re making the right decision,” Chris insists, even though his heart says it’s not.  But he knows it in his gut that it’s the right one for her, that she’s meant to shine and there was no better way than to up on a starship.

Number One gives him a look, knowing and exasperation mixed with affection, “Just promise me that you won’t get so caught up in work that you forget to eat.  And that you’ll avoid getting into arguments with the Admiralty because last time—“

Chris interrupts her, catching her hands into his.  They’re callused from the hours she spent working down in the botany labs on the _Yorktown_ , but they are warm.  Warm enough to hold him over for three more years, “I know Number One.  I promise I’ll be good.”

Her blue eyes are bright, like Rigel on a clear night, and he can see the effort it takes her to smile at him like that.  “Don’t let Jim run you down.  You are good for him and I think he knows.”

Chris doesn’t say anything; his hands are gripping hers as tightly as hers are gripping his. 

A call for Number One startles them, and she glances back to the shuttlecraft before looking back at Chris.

"Promise me you’ll be my first officer again when you get back,” the words slip out and Chris mentally cringes.  He knows he’s being presumptuous and that she could easily find a better posting than with him.   She could even get the next posting for captainship if she wanted, which according to some rumors might just happen when she returns.  Or she might want to do something else.  And he doesn’t even know whether the admiralty will give him a ship after his stint at the Academy.    _How can I ask her that?_ He thinks angry at himself for wanting too much, for needing more.

But the smile she gives him is genuine, lighting her eyes, “What else would I pick,” she says with certainty.  Her hands squeeze his once more before she lets go and turns to grab her bags.   She gives him one last look before boarding the shuttlecraft.  And he feels as if a piece of him is leaving with her.

 

::::

 

The first major argument Chris has with Jim is almost to a year after getting off the shuttlecraft in San Francisco.  Surprisingly it goes better than what Chris expected.

“Do you even know how many rules you broke last night?  You not only broke curfew, but you were caught drinking!  You’re only fifteen!  And then you get into a fight with people who are twice your age?  You’re only lucky that Captain Nogura recognized you and stepped in before you were badly injured,” he said, his voice raised, trying hard to keep from shouting.

He had thought they had made progress.  That Jim was finally settling into the routine of living with Chris.  And moments like this, he wished Number One was here with him, her calm, logical voice finding a way to get to a solution.  Or at least be there to stop him from doing something stupid.

“You’re not my father so don’t tell me what to do,” Jim shouts, his face pinched, body tensed, but it’s the flash of vulnerability that Chris catches before it’s gone that stops him from shouting back.  The purpling bruises across Jim’s jaw and the blackened left eye only makes Jim look younger than he already is and Chris thinks back to what he read about Frank in Jim’s files.

There is a tension in the air as if whatever he says next is going to be important.  Important enough to break the fragile relationship he has with the young teenager.  And perhaps that this was a test…and that is something he understands.

So instead, he says what he knows has become true, “I may not be your biological father Jim, but you are my son.”

And the fight seems to go out of Jim, “You’re not going to kick me out?”

Chris frowns, “Why would I kick you out? You live here.”

A grin breaks across Jim’s face, and Chris knows he passed, “So that means you’re not-" He begins to say.

“I am mad that you broke the rules and got into a fight.  I’m also grateful that you didn’t get too badly hurt.  But that doesn’t mean you aren’t grounded,” Chris firmly states ignoring Jim’s pouting.

“Do you realize how much damage you caused at the bar?  Not only that, how much flak I’m getting from the HQ?”  Chris asks narrowing his eyes at Jim.

Jim looks away guiltily, but then almost as quickly, with another grin he says, “You could always say that I didn’t know what I was drinking.  Besides you never said I couldn’t.  Also the European Confederation doesn’t have drinking age.  You could pretend I’m from Europe or something.  Besides its obvious the other guys started it, even the bartender would agree with me.”

“Jim-” Chris starts.

“Okay, okay, got it.  Go to my room.  No late nights.  I got it sir,” Jim says as he hastily moves away from Chris.

“Wait, wait.  Don’t forget you aren’t allowed to drink until your 21.  Do you hear me?  And you have to be 21 to go to a bar.  If I hear otherwise of you trying to sneak in underage, you’re going to be grounded until you die.”

“That’s just cruel!  You can’t do that!  I’m telling Number One on you the next time we talk for cruel and unusual punishment,” Jim yells down as he clatters upstairs.

Chris gives an internal sigh as he smiles, wondering whether there was anyone who could ever keep Jim in check.

 

::::

 

Several weeks later as he is leaving his office before winter break, he runs into Professor Thalax and Philip in the hallway. Thalax is gesturing excitedly to poor Philip, who's trying not to get hit by the flailing hands without being rude.

Philip looks at him, his eyes clearly begging to be rescued and Chris gives him an amused look as he walks over.

“Good evening Doctor, Professor,” Chris says as Thalax turns sharply almost knocking into Chris.

“You seem excited?” Chris asks glancing between the two of them. 

“I was telling Doctor Boyce about my winter vacation plans,” Thalax says his hands gesturing again, “I am going with several of the professors to a weeklong Shakespearean festival.  There have been some great reviews how the theatre company that is performing has a new actor of the name Anton Karidian who is very talented.”

“That sounds interesting,” Chris says humoring the professor, “What about you Philip?”

“I’m taking Marcy and the kids to Alpha Centuri to visit her brother and his family.  And then probably be back early to work on the new vaccine for Risan flu.”

“You’re always working.  You don’t need to come back early.  There are other doctors who are working on the vaccine.”

“Three weeks is a good enough vacation.  Besides the kids go back to school and Marcy is working on the design for new wing of the Physics labs.”

“What about you Chris,” Thalax asks, “Will you be spending time with your protégé?”

Chris had talked about Jim to Thalax on several occasions, especially since Thalax was a gifted chess player and had been interested in Jim’s progress at chess.  The professor had wanted to see how Jim would fare against one of his students, a young half-Vulcan who was a first year cadet. 

“Yeah,” Chris says a smile breaking across his face, “I’m taking him to visit the family up in Montana.” It would be Jim’s first Christmas with Chris’s family and his mother had been pestering him to bring the young boy up so she could see Chris’s son. 

_“You need to bring him up so we can meet him,” his mother had said firmly._

_“When I get the chance Mom, I will.  But right now-”_

_“This Christmas,” she insisted, “You couldn’t bring him last Christmas because you were just settling in.  And God knows how long it has been since I’ve been telling you to give me grandchildren seeing how long it’s taking you to finally ask Angela.”_

_“Mom! Me and Number One aren’t-” but she interrupted him, “Don’t lie to me Chris.  I’m your mother.  But that’s beside the point, your Dad and I would love to meet Jim.  He is your adopted son and therefore our grandson.  And it would be good for Jim to know that he’s part of our family and he can meet the rest of the family.”_

Chris had finally agreed, and while he worries on whether Jim would take to the rest of the Pikes, he knew that his family was going to be easily charmed by and love Jim. 

He’s startled out of his musings when the professor bids him and Philip a “happy winter break” before returning to his office and Chris sheepishly grins at Philip.  They walk in companionable silence to the front of the building. 

Philip looks at him considering, “You know, I wasn’t sure if being a father would suit you at least at this point in your life.  But I was wrong.  Jim has been good for you.”

Chris gives him an amused smile, “Are you saying I wasn’t mature before?”

“Maybe,” Philips says teasingly before turning serious, “It’s more like you’ve become more settled and yeah, it seems parenthood suits you.  It’s a good change Chris.”

“Anyways, I need to run.  Marcy will be on my case if I’m late for dinner again this week,” Philips says as he roughly pats Chris on the shoulder, “Have a good holiday.”

“You too.”

As he walks, absently humming an old Terran holiday jingle, hands jammed into the pockets of his raincoat to keep warm against a cool California winter, Chris muses at how much his life had changed in the past year.  And even though having Jim meant being grounded for the next several years, he wouldn’t change a thing.  He knew it wouldn’t be easy, that he would miss being up on a starship and not having Number One around, but it was worth it.  He’ll eventually return to the skies and Number One will be back at his side someday soon, but for now he hurried home to his son. 

**Author's Note:**

> 1)This line comes from fantastic T. S. Elliot poem, Wasteland, Part I. Burial of the Dead. The line itself alludes to a funeral service, which I thought was pretty apt for this or at least in describing Tarsus IV and genocide in general.  
> -I'm not actually sure about the longevity of Denobulans, but according to Memory Alpha they live much longer than humans  
> -Anton Karidian, for those who haven't seen the TOS episode, _The Conscience of the King_ , yes that is Kodos...and yes I left it a bit open-ended.
> 
> This turned out way more Pike-centric than I originally planned but hopefully it turned out okay.


End file.
